HOMELY PLANET

Yesterday (today back home) was the 68th anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. The New York Times has this great essay, reflecting on what led up to the event. In 1905, that bloated imperialist asshat, Teddy Roosevelt, won the Nobel Peace Prize (sound familiar?) for helping to broker the end of the Russo-Japanese War, in which he absolutely favored the Japanese and sold out the Koreans, resulting in 40 years of brutal colonial occupation on the peninsula.

An interesting read: both an expose' of American diplomatic naivete', and a must for anyone who can't understand the Koreans' distrust of US intentions in this neck of the woods.

I, for one, am buying the book.

The Hyundai Apartments lie on the hill of Yangjeong, looming over the city and the vacant walled-in compound that used to be the US Army base, which, three years back, re-located to more strategically useful environs. Busan, it seems, no longer needs defending. The apartments are a city unto themselves, housing a good twenty thousand people in clusters of imposing, obscene concrete towers. These housing blocks aren't so different than any of the countless others found on The Peninsula; they are efficient and impersonal, a corporate take on the socialist experiments that one finds in Europe. Contrary to those Stalinist nightmares, however, these ones are mostly clean and crime-free. Children play unattended, impromptu fruit markets come and go without incident, mothers gab on the sidewalks, and grandfathers kill the afternoons playing baduk (a game with black and white round tiles) and sipping rice wine with their friends, trading literal war stories and relaxing in the warmth of the rough, milky booze.

( WALK THIS WAY )

I just got back from an all-afternoon urban hike around Busan. The weather was gorgeous and the air clear - it was a lovely way to kill an afternoon (and burn some calories...). On the way back I took the path along the Oncheoncheon - a small river that runs near my house. At one point I passed a disheveled man sitting on the ground next to the walking/bike path. He looked extremely drunk or batshit crazy or more likely, both. What cemented this was the fact that he was EATING DIRT. That's right, he was taking huge handfulls of dirt, stuffing them into his mouth, and trying to chew and choke them down. He was gagging and slightly moaning, but he kept at it, as if possessed by a dirt-eating demon. An older Korean guy had noticed it was well, and looked at me with the same look of shock and disbelief that was undoubtably on my own face.

Should I have done something? I tend to give anyone that nuts a very wide berth.

Recently I got an email offering to give me a bit of money if I let their company advertise on my blog. I know I have legions of loyal readers, in front of which advertisers are drooling to parade their wares and services, but the day I accept advertising on this blog is the day I shut the fucking thing down.

I don't blog for money. Nor am I here to take pictures of temples, give newbies pointers on where to buy laundry racks, or to do posts on Korean pop culture and bore the tits off the annointed few who do stop in from time to time and grace these pages with their eyes. Like my man Scouser, I'm here to tell the truth and entertain myself. If anyone else enjoys it, that's gravy.

This shit ain't for sale, kids.

That is all.

It finally got properly cold here in the Special K, cold enough to snow this morning, or so I was told. I was sleeping at the time and sadly missed out on the wintry spectacle, but later in the day a dusting of white stuff could be seen on the mountains that pop out of this rough-and-tumble town.

I've been sleeping a lot lately. October was such a ball bustin' month that I've been exhausted for much of November. I'm still lightin' the firecracker from both sides and really don't rest too much on the weekends, so once Monday rolls around I find myself sapped of all energy and just in the mood to sleep, when not teaching English or learning Korean. I've been back in Korean class for a couple of months now and some new stuff is sinking in, though I'm pretty lazy about studying hard outside of the four hours a week class time that I actually attend. This makes real concrete progress hard to measure, but I look at the Korean language as a huge mountain, and I'm up against it with a chisel. I'll just keep chipping away as long as I'm here. It's all I can do. I enjoy studying language, but trying to learn this one is a fucking challenge. It's really difficult. Really.

I have a new rock and roll band going on which is always a hoot. We're called "The Headaches," and I'm lucky enough to have both one the best bass players and one of the best guitarists in town on board, along with a hard hitting and very grumpy Kiwi drummer. We're gearing up for the Busan "Battle of the Bands," which kicks off this weekend, so we've been putting together some original songs, and if our Halloween show and last rehearsal are any indicators, we got a rockin' combo. We're sure to lose "The Battle," as we have no friends and will horrify the Korean girls who want to hear sweet pop songs, but rock we shall, muthafuckas.

I'm also just starting prelimary work on a big writing project. I can't go into any more detail about it here, but I'm really excited about it and let's keep our fingers crossed that everything works out.

Winter vacation is coming up. I was going to stick in Korea the whole time to save extra money to pay to take my girlfriend to America next summer, but seeing as how I no longer have a girlfriend, I'll take off to warmer climes to escape the urge to slash my own throat with a steak knife. I think I've settled on The Philippines this year. I'll mainly concentrate on the island of Palawan, where I'll do some serious chilling, as well as get my open water diving certification. I plan to do some dives at some sunken Japanese ships from WWII, along with taking in all varieties of coral, mollusks, and pyschedelic-looking fish. I also hope to get some work done, and figure if I stay in one general area, rather than zipping around the whole country like some meth-addled backpacker, that I'll have a better chance of concentrating.

My contract is up at the end of August, and I'll definitely go to The States in the summer to recharge and see what's left of my family. I've also decided to take a six month hiatus from my job (or just quit and get a new one upon my return) and travel throughout Mexico, Central America and South America. I speak decent Spanish and would like to level it up. But more than that, I've always dreamed of checking out that part of the world, and figure I need to do it soon. I feel the window closing. Though I am single now, I may not be for long, and the older I get, the more attractive the idea of marriage gets. Perhaps this is just because so many Koreans bark at me about it, but I really don't want to be the creepy old guy at the bar.

Come to think of it, I kind of already am.

South Korean ships fired on a North Korean naval vessel that crossed into southern waters. Evidently the ship was heavily damaged and limped back into the workers' paradise.

This is the first naval skirmish in a few years, and undoubtably will raise tensions here. I'll be practicing my breast stroke in the meantime.

I'm currently at a PC room in Kangnam - "the Beverly Hills of Korea." It's the moneyed part of Seoul, and I'm being put up at a sweet hotel here, as part of the two-night standup show I'm doing.

I've been back at standup for five months now, and it's been a great run so far. I've delivered some really solid sets and even knocked it out of the park a couple of times. People have laughed and I've had a helluva time.

Until last night.

I smelled trouble when I walked into the club, "The Kabinett Wine Bar." I despise "wine bars" and their nauseating bourgeois trappings to begin with, but a gig's a gig. I had also done a rocking show there over the summer, so my expectations were high.

The first thing I noticed about the crowd is that they were OLD. I have nothing against performing for aged folks - I'm getting on myself - but they can be stingy with their laughter. It's like getting a Canadian to pick up the check. They also looked well to do - the "international business set" - you know, the kind of douchebags that they advertise to on CNN Asia. And, apart from the Taliban, upper middle class white people are the most offend-able people on the planet. They were quiet. They were serious. They were quietly looking "sophisticated" and sipping wine.

Brian, the host, went up and slowly warmed them up, though he had to work for every chuckle. Then he brought me up.

I bombed.

It's not like I ate a dick because I didn't know what I was doing. I delivered my set well. Words were coming out of my mouth and I FELT like I was funny. And looking out into the sixty or seventy people in the room, there were about five or six people who thought I was funny as well. Not quite enough to wipe the scowls off the rest of the khaki and button-up shirt, crowd, though.

It was like performing for driftwood.

Kerry, the headliner, got up and managed to kindle a fire, but he lost them for big stretches, only to get them back some great lines. Kerry was a proper professional in Canada for ten years, and if he can't get a room going, the night's fucked. When the crowd likes me I can slay it, but I'm still figuring this shit out.

I'm not sure if the wine and cheese crowd is my thing. My comedy's more suited for dive bars and rock clubs. But tonight should be a younger, hipper crowd - not one that just got off work at the investment bank and wants a monkey to dance for them. I've killed at this place before, so I know it can work.

Standup comedy is a strange beast, though. You NEVER know what you're going to get. Never.

Fall comes late around here, at the bottom of the peninsula. Though we're officially a month in, the trees are still green and the days are warm. Many of my students still wear shorts, and some of the girls have yet to hang up the miniskirts - not that I'm complaining. It has cooled down and the nights require a coat, but it's not yet close to cold. Summer lingers here in Busan, though the threads that connect us to it are fraying by the second.

My girlfriend and I broke up almost three weeks ago, now. It was sudden and ugly - a demon exorcised during an otherwise ideal trip to the moutains with some friends. I felt it coming on as soon as I met her at the bus station (I was late), and it percolated throughout the weekend until it became a geyser that couldn't be stopped. And like Old Faithful, there were plenty of people around to be awed by the spectacle.

The truth is that our relationship was poisoned a long time ago by an event that I had nothing to do with. I accepted it, forgave, and moved on, but she never could, and eventually her anger and hostility was turned onto me personally. I was willing to try to work it out for a while, but I only could endure so many outbursts and attacks out of nowhere before I bit back.

I could go on and try to justify my actions and explain hers. I could condemn her for destroying something that I knew was good, but I know best to let it rest. I am angry, but I refuse to be a sad sack over a relationship that didn't work out. I've been that chump before and never will again. I'll never give someone that power over me.

We had three years, on and off, but despite our love for each other, our foundation was cracked, and it's good we didn't marry. We would have both been miserable. I'm choosing not to wallow in my loss, but rather roll up my sleeves and jump into my life even deeper.

I've gotten through this year by making myself so busy that I scarcely have time to really think about the awful things that have happened. My dad's memory is warm, yet fading; to contemplate my mother's final months of suffering and death makes my skull literally feel like it's about to rupture. My chest wants to cave in and I gasp for air. ONE DAY I'll have to come to terms with it, but I cope by doing as much as I can and then nightly blurring my thoughts with alcohol. I realize this is not healthy, but at least I'm being productive.

I have a music gig tonight, two big stand-up shows in Seoul this weekend, and another band thing next weekend. I've got four hours of Korean class each week. I have a big writing project on deck and work a pretty full teaching schedule. I'm also meeting my friends - who have helped to carry me through these last two sad, strange years - as well as flirting, dating, and hoping to find her, whoever she is.

I've been fortunate enough to enjoy the company and comfort of women, but despite that, I know what it is to be alone. I've spent long periods being just that. And though I do have good friends here, I am alone. I'm single. I have no kids, no parents. It's just me in the end, and that really doesn't frighten me as much as it should.

Even though it's still warm here in Busan, we're listening to summer's death rattle. Soon it will be windy and cold, and we'll have to hunker down for one more long, long winter.

Walking, talking, inflatable sex dolls; raw fish and eel. Not a bad way to say so long to PIFF.

Those Japanese were way outta hand.

Yet another Filipino film featuring a sweaty old guy getting blown at a movie theater.

I join local filmmaker Kim Gi Hoon at the Sapporo Party.

Croation junkies, headless albinos, and real, live French people

I'm excited to announce that I'll be hitting this year's Pusan International Film Festival with PRESS PASS in hand. I'm covering "the scene" at Asia's largest film fest for Busan Haps, which basically means I'm going to see a shitload of films and drink all of the free booze at the after parties. Maybe I'll meet some European auteur of note and ask him if he can eat spicy food. Perhaps I'll inform Hollywood director Brian Singer that The Korea has four DISTINCT seasons. Or maybe I'll get chucked out of the VIP lounge for putting my hand up the skirt of Taiwan's third most famous actress.

Anyway, should be a hoot. Check at the site for daily updates.

I'm really big in Seoul.

Since I've come out of comedy suspended animation, I've seen a number of different gigs materialize here in The Special K. Most have been with a guy named Brian Aylward, another teacher who lives up in Seoul and is also a hell of a comic. He's organized some stuff up there and we've also done some stuff in Busan (and Gimhae). Next month sees four more shows: one in Busan, one in Suncheon, and two up in Seoul, at the Kabinett Wine Bar. It's all strange and rather silly. If you would have told me ten years ago that I'd end up doing standup in Korea, I would've asked what flavor of crack you were smoking and if I could have a hit or two.

( LATEST ADVENTURE OF HILARITY )

The owner of koreabridge.com has decided that he only wants to run blog posts that deal with Korea in someway - lifestyle, politics, etc.. What this basically means is that any post I make that doesn't directly deal with a "Korean subject" doesn't get run on the site.

My blog originally was about my life in Korea, but it's been five years now, and I'll often write about other topics. I'm not sure if you could even consider a "Korean blog" anymore, despite the fact that its usually updated from The Peninsula.

So, if you enjoy this blog - if you like my writing and wish to keep updated on all the posts - I would encourage you to bookmark me instead of relying on koreabridge to link it. I'm going to have a lot of big posts coming up, and I'd like as many people as possible to view them.

And if you don't like the new policy (I'm not big on it), let the website know!

Korea has the priciest Guinness pints in the world. Not surprising, since ANYTHING foreign is ass-rapingly expensive here. It sums up this society's attitudes towards foreigners, really - that anything originating from outside their borders is hit with crippling tariffs. Japan is just a two and a half hour ferry ride away - AND they make some of the best cars and electronics in the world - yet you see almost no Japanese products in Korean stores, or on the road. Their contempt for the Japanese is the seed for their general contempt for all things foreign. It's strange... I'm generally treated very warmly by the Koreans who I come into personal contact with - I've come to love this culture in so many ways - yet on the societal scale I am reminded time and time again that foreigners are often viewed with mistrust, scorn, and derision.

I pay much less for a pint of Guinness in Busan, though it's still unreasonable. And before you accuse me of being a Korea hater, know that I like my life here and have had a good run, but it can be a MASSIVELY frustrating place to live, and is getting even more so.

I still haven't posted about the upcoming changes in visa regulations, changes which may single-handedly destroy the whole ESL industry here. I'll post about it soon, but just know that what started out as a legitimate concern about the criminal background of folks coming to teach here has quickly morphed into a xenophobic overreaction with no thought on its actual impact. The current changes proposed are totally punitive in nature, punishing the whole of the ESL teaching community because the Korean authorities have been lax in doing their own work of weeding out the scumbags.

Who would've thought, really? The Koreans usually think out their policies so well. They've never been known to act rashly...