HOMELY PLANET

(I stole this from a poster called guildensterned over at pusanweb.. It's a piss-take on the recent anti-American beef protests in Seoul...)

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Warning: Sensitive Information
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FTA Fans Public Opposition
By J. Daniel Daniels
WASHINGTON, July 10. (Reufers) Police reports from the capitol confirmed late last night that approximately one million people gathered for a candlelight vigil at the Washington Monument. The vigil was organized in opposition to the U.S.-South Korea free trade agreement for which public concern has grown considerably over the safety of electric fans from the peninsular Asian nation.

According to the Department of Public Safety, a ban on electric fans from South Korea has been in effect since 2003 when a growing number of deaths were linked to Electro Dioxygen Displacement Asphyxiation (EDDA), the fatal exposure to an electric fan in a closed room, more commonly known as fan death. Yet, in an agreement struck between President Bush and South Korean President Lee Myung-bak at Camp David in May, the import ban will be lifted in order to accommodate requests made by the South Korean parliament prior to ratification of the deal.

"What are they trying to do?" asked Ms. Jones, a young woman in the crowd. "This deal is totally in favor of the South Koreans, and shows [that] the President really just wants to kill us."

Such accusations have gained precedence in recent weeks as a CBS Special Report revealed that American citizens are at least ninety-nine percent more susceptible to EDDA than their South Korean counterparts due to a recessive gene. The report also showed that EDDA poses the greatest threat to individuals who spend time indoors with their windows closed.

Throughout the night the vigil remained peaceful as the protesters blanketed the National Mall with points of light and sang rallying hymns. Painted banners could be seen waving over the multitudes, many adorned with the slogan – Bush Blows – inferring similarities between the deadliness of EDDA and the President.

Speaking before the large crowd, a spirited Jane Fonda declared that she "would rather be sprayed with acid than use a Korean fan" prompting a supportive roar. She then challenged President Bush to use one of the South Korean fans in his office with the windows closed, though the response from the White House has been far more reserved.

"It's good to see the American public so interestingly in issues," President Bush said this morning. "The lights were really awesome last night."

In recent months, President Bush has seen his four year high approval rating of twenty percent dip into incomprehensibly negative digits despite political forecasts of warming public opinion. Still, the White House remains firm on the U.S.-South Korea FTA, saying, "Think of the savings we'll get on their sweet cell phones and LCD TVs."

Capitol Hill insiders have hinted recently that the White House might consider an addendum to the deal prohibiting fans manufactured more than 30 months prior to shipment, as these are generally considered the most at risk models. However, unsatisfied protesters seem committed to continue their haranguing of the FTA, pushing for congressional lawmakers to strike down the proposed agreement.

"If this goes through," said Ima Koonte of Memphis, "we'll have no say over who uses those cheap electric fans. What if they get put in a classroom with them closed windows and one [of] my children get fan death?"

The U.S.-South Korea FTA will go before congress for approval when they return from recess next month.

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For more information on the perils of fan death, go to http://www.fandeath.net or http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fan_death
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