HOMELY PLANET

A confession: I'm cunted, listening to Nusret Fateh Ali Khan, who always makes me want convert to Mohammadism. I believe he was a Sufi, albeit a morbidly obese one (his kabab intake was rumored to be close to 20 a day), the type of Islam which attracts me: tolerant, and involving lots of spinning. I think they even sneak some hash. Sound.

Tonight is July 1st, which is Canada Day. Props to my one or two Canuck friends inspired, even though I spent some of the night in a bar full of folks on white and red celebrating their inherent "Canadian-ness" by getting hammered and jumping to the sounds of a red-and-white decked out band playing American classic rock cover tunes. No BTO songs to be had, though I marched far before the conclusion of the set.

I've been to Canadia on several occasions and have nothing but praise for the country itself, but I find the majority of Korean-living Canucks tedious, to say the least.

Please throw your darts this way.

Plenty of Koreans claim to love Canada, as it's "American without the baggage," but I've met scores of others who claim them to be as boring as we generally find them.

And I'm not just talking about Yanks.

Part of me wants to have an American party on Friday, since it is the 4th of July, the third most important holiday in the MiGook cannon (after Christmas and Thanksgiving). I may sport the colors in the face of worlwide hatred. I may wear a T-Shirt loudly proclaiming "These Colors Don't Run." I may grow a mullet, despite the fact Eastern Europeans took over the 'do long after us. I may flash the flag and urinate on a Brit.

What is for sure is that I've had it with Canucks chest-banging their patriotism. Or any other of you bastards, for that matter... I just watched many of the matches of the European Cup, and it was nothing but a litany of colors and flags and nationlistic bluster.

And while all of this may be detrimental to humankind and sports - while we should all just gravitate around the magnetic pylon of internationalism - I get a bit nationalistic from time to time.

And so does the rest of the world... I

But despite the fact the GW Bush is our retarded head of state, and despite the fact of our religio-fascist tendencies, and despite the fact that we're basically hated worldwide for being warmongering assholes (policies that I, and countless others have fought against), the USA reinvented reality. It has been both for the good and the bad, but our influence has been felt globally. From airplanes to the internet, the USA is to thank. This is an is.

Yes, we consume way more than our share. And we're loud assholes. And a lot of us are dumb. But guess what? A lot of us are smart. That's why we've had the most inventions out of any nation in the history of mankind. That's why we've won the lion's share of Nobel Prizes, not that we care what uppity-pretentious Europeans think to begin with.

But the dollar's sinking into the depths of assyness. Iraq is a clusterfuck, and Afghanistan's not much better. Our national goodwill is pretty much used up. Everyone hates us.

Have we overextended ourselves? Where the WWII years our peak, when we literally outproduced the world? Have we grown fat and lazy on our own hubris? Are we too sheltered?

Perhaps.

But to count us out at this point of the game is to underestimate our nation. I am quite happy to let others take over the mantle. Please. China #1? Okay. Have at it. Seeing your torch attacked this spring only made me smile, as an American. Call it empathy. Everyone hates the big cat.

I feel your pain.